July 15, 2006
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Ugh, I know I said the drugs don’t give me any side-effects but I forgot all about the first two weeks when you get absolutely no good benefits and lots of crap while your body gets used to the chemicals. So I have this low-level, constant, background nausea that’s incredibly annoying and I’m prodding everything I’m eating with a kind of ‘huh, I don’t really fancy that now’ so I’m also constantly slightly hungry which isn’t helping. Am taking the tablet after dinner tonight instead of after breakfast – hopefully switching to evenings will mean I feel sick mainly during the night so I can eat during the day.
Also had an interesting conversation with my mum. You know how I said that the downs seem to be tied into my menstrual cycle this time around? Yeah, seems like my mum had a similar thing during her thirties – my symptoms sounded very familiar to her. So, as a stab in the dark, I’m going to say that perhaps I am genetically pre-disposed to depression (I had pondered it, but it seemed more like a ‘look at me, I’m different and special’ kind of attention-seeking as there was absolutely no evidence for it) although the last bout wasn’t linked in to my cycle at all (I was on the pill at that time so there would have been very little cycle left for the depression to latch on to; of course, now I can’t take the pill or I’ll die – or something – so it’s a hormonal free for all).
Great. That’s just fucking wonderful news. </sarcasm> So what, is therapy useless now? Am I doomed? A slave to my hormones and messed-up brain? What happened last time? Did the ‘first’ depression come on like ‘normal’ depression with a ‘normal’ trigger and it’s, what, set off some weird chemical/hormonal cycle? Was the ‘first’ depression just a timebomb waiting for a trigger? This is a complete and total mess. And – just so you know – I will personally kill the first person who suggests that this isn’t ‘real’ depression and it’s "just women’s problems".
Apparently huge doses of vitamin B6 helped my mum (incidentally, I’m sure she’s chuffed to pieces I’m discussing this with the world… um… *gives thanks my parents don’t know this url*). I do take vitamin B6 but perhaps 100mg (which is 5000% of an average person’s RDA according to the bottle!!) isn’t enough.
I’m pissed off. And I can’t even drink cos of the nausea. So I’m doubly pissed off.