The Fear

I should probably start this post with an apology to Pearly, as all this flashed through my mind during their set last night; bear in mind that the subconscious works very fast, and it was probably all over within about 30 seconds, lads, alright?

It finally hit me that I own a flat. And it freaked me out. Rachel from the El Dude Brothers got ID’d at the bar and, as these things do, the thought involuntarily wandered through my brain of what on earth I’d do to prove my age, not routinely carrying any picture ID as I do. (Not that I’ve been ID’d in about eight years, you understand; I was so pleased when that stopped, I figured I finally looked 16.) How do you prove your age? Yell “I’m 28, for fuck’s sake! Give me beer! I need it! I have credit cards! Debt! A mortgage!”

Holy fuck. I have a mortgage. It was like a cartoon anvil and I was Wile E. Coyote. And I got that desperate urge that seizes me every now and again to jack everything in and hide in some Slovenian mountain village. It’s pure fear; the sudden realisation that I am actually a grown-up – despite all the evidence to the contrary. And I don’t actually want to live in a Slovenian mountain village – what on earth would I do? Knit goathair sweaters? Whittle clogs? – but it’s the urge to run. The urge to never have to work out anything complicated again. The urge to tell all my adult responsibilities to go fuck themselves.

It is, of course, momentary. Because it’s irrational and teenage and desperate, and I am 28 and I do have a mortgage and I actually enjoy that. (Well, maybe not the being 28. I could happily do 26 again.) I have my London-centric life, this is what I wanted in my teenage daydreams, I’m not swapping that for a life spent churning butter. But The Fear lives and lurks. This may be what Jamie is consumed by. Thankfully mine only pops up occasionally. And I apologise to Pearly that it happened to distract me from the set. It won’t happen again. And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to attend to my responsibility to go home and feed my cat.


2 responses to “The Fear

  1. Jamie November 18, 2006 at 6:27 pm

    I don’t have the fear, I have THE REALISM.
    Check it.

  2. kate November 18, 2006 at 9:06 pm

    i got the fear so i went to the other side of the world. problem solved!!
    by the way, jamie, there’s a film coming out of that book you love – it’s out over here already i think, though i’m not going to volunteer to go check it out for you. let me know what you think of it, if you see it when it hits the uk!

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