Ah, bureaucracy

Had a form in the internal post today, a legal/medical thing for the death-in-service insurance part of my pension plan (which is a whole other issue; how the hell do I choose which funds to invest from 20+ of the buggers? And how on earth do oil and gas exploration companies qualify as part of an ethical fund?!)

Sorry, I digress, Anyway, this form. You have to sign it to say you agree with certain statements, but there’s just no way any normal person could! Look:

"For the purposes of this form, common cold, influenza, pregnancy (without complications), hay fever and contraception advice may be ignored…

  • Within the last three years I have not attended or been advised to attend any doctor, hospital or clinic for any form of advice, opinion, operation or treatment.
  • I am not subject to regular medical review, nor currently suffering from, or receiving treatment or attention (eg, diet, medicine, tablets, injections) for any health, medical or psychiatric condition and have not done so during the last twelve months.
  • None of my parents, brothers or sisters died or suffered from heart disease, stroke, kidney disease, cancer, diabetes, paralysis, high blood pressure or any familial/hereditary disorder (eg Huntington’s Chorea) before the age of 65.
  • I do not intend to attend any doctor, hospital or clinic about any medical or psychiatric condition in the foreseeable future and I am not aware and do not suspect that I am suffering from any condition that might lead to a claim under the policy.
  • I have never been tested or treated for any sexually transmitted diseases [HIV is covered in a whole other question, natch].

So, anyone who’s ever been tested for chlamydia (which the government is urging us all to do); anyone who’s had a virus or food poisoning or cystitis – where does thrush come in this kind of list? – or migraine or has basically set foot in a doctor’s surgery in the last three years; anyone whose family has ever felt a bit off-colour; Jamie… alright, so the death-in-service payment is 8x salary, but I don’t think the idea is to make applicants die of laughter before the insurance kicks in.

I theeenk I am going to be subject to some medical prodding in the next couple of weeks. *rolls eyes* Quick, load me up with drink and drugs, let’s give ’em something to wonder about.

Edit – the next day: I’ve now had the big, 8-page form to fill in. Wow, talk about intrusive! Have you ever taken drugs? Have you ever had unprotected sex? What fecking business is it of theirs?!


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