Bad cat owner

I am a terrible cat owner. The last two evenings I’ve been out til late (Christmas parties etc, catching the last train home). On Monday I nipped back to feed the cat and let him out for a bit but yesterday I was out until well past 1am. I opened the front door… and Elgar shot out – bullets have left guns slower – dived into the flower bed and had a very long wee. Once I got inside I discovered he’d used his litter tray twice, first time he’s used it since he started going outside. I have a hunch he didn’t actually pee when he went out on Monday, so he must have been holding everything in since Sunday, desperately crossing his paws until I came home. I hang my head in shame. I felt so guilty I let him sleep on the bed last night which I never normally do. I’ve never understood why cats look at a double bed and think "I won’t sleep on that nice wide bit on the other side or at the bottom, I’ll just curl up in her armpit so she can’t turn over without smooshing me".

He’s now wandering around the living room mewing at me and I have no idea what he wants. I’ve tried everything, and now I think what he actually wants is just to be annoying.

He’s been weird all day. At some point yesterday he destroyed his scratching post after five months of studiously ignoring it – looks like he finally decided to get the catnip out and scatter it all over the hallway. A bit like the time he attacked Will’s catnip plant out of the blue, or randomly spent all night licking Catnip Birdie until it was so disgusting I had to throw it out. It’s like he wakes up after a snooze and thinks "right, now I’m going to go a bit mental with some catnip. That’ll fox ‘er".

I also had the shame of witnessing a cat stand-off first hand this afternoon (I’m trying to get all the cat stuff in one post so it’s contained…). Front garden again, and Peanut turned up (I have no idea if this is his real name; I call him Peanut cos his tail looks like a squirrel’s) – they started mewling at each other and then Elgar backed off and made himself smaller, the exact opposite of what a cat should do! I have never, ever, not owned the number one cat in the neighbourhood. I think now we’ll be lucky to make it into the top 30. And Peanut is a softy, he keeps hanging round the door wanting cuddles. What the hell is Elgar going to do when faced by the local boot-faced tom? Does anyone know any cat karate classes? I need to turn him from a dribbling mummy’s boy into a motherfucker.

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2 responses to “Bad cat owner

  1. Pete December 21, 2006 at 10:30 am

    Naming him after a classical musician probably wasn’t a good start.
    Maybe if you buy him a mask and start calling him “The Claw” then he’ll be able to work on an ass-kicking alter ego. It worked for Battle Cat.

  2. Rachel December 21, 2006 at 11:37 am

    I didn’t name him! Don’t blame me, he came pre-programmed like that! (I feel like such a fool shouting “Elgar” out the back door at midnight. But he recognises it. He’s confused at the best of times, changing his name would probably fuck him up totally.)
    If I got a magic sword, do you think that’d help? “By the power of Hither Greeeeen!”

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