Not a conversation with my cat

Because I just don’t need any encouragement

A slight deviation from the usual series.

Bagelmouse: Cat, do you want to come over here and help me tell the nice people about the last couple of weeks?
El Mog: No, sorry. That would take valuable time away from being mental.

It’s very difficult to have a conversation when the two parties aren’t speaking to each other; because when you have nothing pleasant to say it’s just better to say nothing at all. The cat is driving me insane. And I don’t mean cute-insane-oh-look-isn’t-he-sweetly-bonkers, I mean absolutely fucking crazy. About a week after I got back from holiday – you’d expect him to act up in the days immediately following his 10 day abandonment to the cuddles of the catsitter, but that would be to stick to the norm – he started up a new routine. Another in his range of habits and routines that he develops overnight and sticks to religiously for several weeks like he’s been doing it all his life. He started sleeping in his cat carrier, which is tucked away in the bathroom cupboard, as if to deliberately shun me. To be honest that’d be fine – means I can sleep without a lump on the bed – apart from the bit where he’d come into the bedroom at 6am. (Close the door, you say? HA. No earplugs in the world can stop the high-pitched meowling that he keeps up until I crack.) Then he’d do this:

  • Jump onto the bedside table. Kick off the tissues and strepsil packets (I was still ill when this started), and occasionally drink from the glass of water
  • Walk onto the bed, where he’d have a noisy and flailing wash
  • Walk back onto the bedside table
  • Walk from the bedside table onto the pillow, prompting me to push him back off and issue a stern "nooo"
  • Walk along the edge of the bed and meow at the window
  • Walk along the rest of the bed and try to get on the pillows again. Another push from me and another "nooo"
  • Walk over me and onto the bedside table
  • Repeat all steps until I crack and put him outside. I mean outside. Not out the bedroom door. I mean outside.

A week of this. The night before I went to Spain, he spent most of the night on the bed making ever numerous attempts to sleep on the pillow. I spent most of the night waking up when I felt the pillow sink under his vast weight. At 3.30am I woke to find he’d got under the duvet and was curled up next to my knees. This is a cat who enjoys nothing more than rolling around in the garden where cats and foxes crap! (Trust me; a fox left me a ‘present’ on the doormat this morning.) When I left for Spain I took the pillows off the bed and stashed them in the wardrobe.

It didn’t break the pillow obsession. Now he’s sleeping mostly in the bottom of the fitted shelves and making frequent forays onto the bed to walk across my head as he tries to get onto the pillow. This is where I lay my face, for fuck’s sake. I haven’t had an unbroken night’s sleep in my own bed in two weeks. It’s simulating what it must be like to have a baby, only without the expectation or even the hope that said baby will ever get older and stop waking me up every fucking hour. I wouldn’t mind, but when he steps onto the pillow he gives me a look as if to say ‘yeah, I know you don’t like this. I’m pushing the boundaries. And my luck. And the last of my lives. Yeah. I’m going to walk onto this pillow now with my dirt encrusted paws and you’re going to have to wake up properly to stop me. Yeah. I hate you’.

And he keeps sitting in my printer tray. I now have a halved onion resting on it. It seems to be the only thing that’s stopped him attempting to break my printer, my computer table, or both.

And this, is why we are currently not talking.


3 responses to “Not a conversation with my cat

  1. Kate October 4, 2007 at 9:20 am

    Several points …
    a) Cats are naturally active early morning and late evening. Most cats I’ve ever had have woken up early and wanted to go out on a regular basis. That’s probably why he wakes you up – because he knows that eventually you chuck him out so he can go be active. That’s certainly why Tomasina wakes me up at about 6am quite often.
    b) Cat hygeine. Cats are, beyond certain limited boundaries, untrainable. If you have a cat, you’re just going to have to live with a certain amount of potential linkage between garden and soft furnishings. You can have a big throw (or, as I call it, a cat duvet) to cover your bed and pillows during the day, but other than shutting him out of the bedroom entirely there’s no way of keeping him off the bed in the night.
    c) Keeping him out of the room at night. Why not shut him into the kitchen (with adequate basket/blanket/cat-pillow provided for comfiness, natch) overnight? That way he’s not by your bedroom door so the noise is mitigated, but he’s still got his litter tray, food, water, etc. Earplugs would mitigate any remaining din while he gets used to it (2 weeks max, I give it).

  2. Kate October 4, 2007 at 11:28 am

    Also – re: the look on his face, I think you’re anthropomorphising a bit. And here’s my own little piece of anthropomorphisation – it might seem to you as though it’s malicious/annoying, but actually Elgar is bothering you because he’s looking for love and affection. Curling up around your knees for example. When I wake up because Tomasina walks all over me and then goes to sleep on top of me with her nose in my ear, I don’t attribute it to her being annoying (despite it sometimes being so), I attribute it to the fact that I’m out at work all day and she doesn’t see enough of me.

  3. Rachel October 4, 2007 at 9:15 pm

    Shhh… of course I’m anthropomorphising… we don’t actually have conversations either…
    Plus, kitchen doesn’t actually have a door. Belieeeve me, I would if I could. And the reason it’s all so annoying is because it’s new, for the majority of the year I’ve had him he hasn’t displayed the ‘normal’ cat behaviour. Anyway, the events of today would appear to shed some light on why he’s been acting so strange…

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