There’s never a good time to discover what the turned-up bit on gas oven shelves is for – and why they’re supposed to point up, not down – but in the middle of cooking your dinner is definitely not one. Though what else you’d be doing when you knock the garlic baguette off the shelf, onto the flaming gas burner, is a mystery to me. This incident prompted two thoughts:

"Ohhhh, so there’s a gap at the back of the oven, the shelf needs to point up to stop stuff falling off. Ahhhhhh. What a wonderful moment of enlightenment."

"Fuck, have I just blocked up the flue or something? Or burned that bread to buggery?"

The doorbell going at this precise moment will not help.

[running up hallway, oven mitts waving] Hello?!
Man at door: Hello!
Bagelmouse: Look the door’s all locked up sorry keys are in the kitchen what do you want?
Man: Uh, right. I’m here from Sky –
Bagelmouse: Oh! OK! I have Freeview! Bye! [runs back off down hallway, oven mitts akimbo]
Man: … So you don’t want Sky then?


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