Not for the likes of you
November 28, 2009
Posted by on
Since I'm being grumpy and whingy about transport (I know, it's just business as usual round here isn't it?), here's something I wish Southeastern Trains would alter.
You're standing on the platform, waiting for your train. You're a bit early (or maybe you're bang on time and the trains are running late again, or you turned up thinking you'd take your chances and there was a 20 minute wait for the next one. Come on, new timetable!) so you're standing, or sitting. Maybe you have a book. If you have an iPod you may miss the next treat. Because another train is coming through the station but it isn't scheduled to stop. And the tannoy crackles into life with "Please stand away from the edge of platform 5. The next train at this platform is not for customer use."
"This train may look like a train, it may sound like a train, it may make that trainy wooshing noise when it goes past, but this is not a train. It is not for the use of customers, so that makes it just a collection of metal, grease and upholstery that we shuttle up and down the tracks. It's not for customers. What's that? You can see people in the train as it's going past? Ah. We were hoping you'd miss that. OK, this train is for customer use. Just not your use. We hate you. We don't want you getting on our trains. But we're British, so we try to fudge the issue by pretending that no customers can use this train. We're trying to spare your feelings. It's almost like we care about you, which we clearly don't because otherwise we'd schedule trains you could use. But this train is not for you. Please piss off."
What's wrong with "Please stand away from the edge of platform 5. This train does not call here"?