I am just going inside and may be some time
December 19, 2009
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So. Copenhagen has closed with a piss-weak sorry excuse for a deal, has it? No surprises there. But the thing is, it wouldn't have mattered what kind of agreement they brokered over there in Denmark. It wouldn't have made any difference. Because I'm not there.
I don't mean this in a hippyish 'we all have to pull together to combat climate change' way. I don't even mean it in a 'Copenhagen's brilliant, I should have been there' way (though it is, and I wish I had been). No. I mean it because the emissions from my central heating must be greater than those of Chinese and US industry combined.
I have an efficient boiler. It gets serviced every year. The central heating is pretty good. I have double glazing. But there's one fatal flaw in my flat: the flooring. Or, as I may take to calling it, the flawing. The front half is all beautiful floorboards – none of your laminate nonsense – and I love them. They're fabulous and cool in summer and they're easy to clean cat hair off. But. I'd been living here about six months when I noticed something. Namely, that the floorboards aren't laid over any kind of sub-flooring – they are they floor. If you peer between the gaps you can see into the foundations. Which would be fine, except there's a vent in the outside front wall, and when the wind's blowing in a certain direction I don't get Mary Poppins dropping by, I get arctic winds blowing up into my living room.
I've just checked the thermostat. It says 17.5 degrees. That's actually not bad… but then, I have had the heating on since 6.30am and it was on all yesterday while I went out for the work Christmas lunch. My toes are icy, even though I'm wearing thermal socks. I'm starting to wonder what I did with the thermal leggings I used to have for going to football matches. And whether the tales my old RE A Level teacher told of getting chilblains from sitting on the radiator were true. (What is a chilblain, anyway? Is it worth the risk?) I may start wearing a sleeping bag around the house. Because it seems that, no matter how many ice caps I personally melt with my soaring gas usage, I cannot keep warm.
I'm probably personaly responsible for the future flooding of Lowestoft. Sorry about that, Lowestoft.