The unwavering development path of my football viewing
June 15, 2010
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I have come to acknowledge, and respect, how I handle myself when England are in international football tournaments. I always follow the same path:
- First group game: I watch at home, probably while doing something else (cooking, cleaning, reading the paper). I curse myself for not having paid enough attention to the domestic league for the previous year and idly wonder who that central defender is. I can never bring myself to care about this match.
- Second group game: having not done too well in the first match (I told you, this always happens), I am bit more concerned. I may watch at home, I may watch in a pub. There will be swearing.
- Final group game: watched in a pub (incidentally, since this year the match takes place on a Wednesday at 3pm, I am hereby calling all other freelancers / unemployed people), with a lot of gesticulating, shouting and spilled beer.
- Second round: in a pub (this year, I'll be in Spain. If we qualify second (we'd better not qualify second) I'll finish watching the Grand Prix in Valencia then leg it immediately to the nearest bar. My parents will be unimpressed). It will be tense. I will end up standing on a chair for a better view. I will nearly fall off the chair several times because of the gesticulating. During this match, I will develop an unwavering hatred for one of the England players that will never entirely abate. Several people will be shocked by the quality of my swearing.
- Quarter-final: I kind of don't want to talk about it. I will have my head in my hands at several points. There will be heavy drinking.
- Semi-final: Irrelevant: never happens.